Identity. Authority. Trust.

Christmas 2017 –  Today is a rainy Christmas day. I went on one of my walks with my dog. I have a big and gentle bull-mastiff, Greta.  With her Big athletic body and sand color, she looks more like a lioness. Full of power and spring in every step she makes. She looks at you with her dark and smushy face and from afar she is a site to behold. People that don’t know her usually stop and give way to her in respect. Respect that comes from the strength they see in her. But Greta doesn’t know that. She feels and believes she is a small couch dog. She is often insecure and will stop and not go near new people or places. She stops and sniffs and considers the danger. She considers whether she wants to risk approaching these new people or obstacles on her path.

I was walking on the grey and wet field on the steps of huge mountains. It is grey here but if you lift your gaze up, you will see the white and amazing winter… I stand in a wet grey world, but just a few hundred meters up, there are white, bright, awesome snow-covered trees and ice covered slopes of mountain. There was white and clean winter.

“I want to talk to you God. I want to learn to listen to you!”

• “Hm?” smiled God
• “No, really! I want to learn to listen to what YOU want to say to me! So, now from this tree, all the way to the over that field, until the next gate I will be SILENT and listen!”

God started laughing! “Will you now?!” He laughed…

Oh well… I could not. My mind drifted away to dogs and Greta who is struggling with sevier allergies, to winter, to projects I am working on … until I grabbed it back to God and my wish to listen instead of whining or asking Him for something again.

“But I WANT TO LISTEN! Really!!!” I protested out loud. God just silently laugh again. “Ok, Who am I?” My mind wondered on the path of its own. “You are my beloved daughter!” He answered.

I have never had a dad. So, I don’t know what it means. In scriptures I read that to those that accepted Him, Jesus give the authority to become the sons and daughters of the God most high. Those that believe in His word. / John 1:12/
Authority …
Belief…
I pondered: “Acquiescence, acceptance, and believing that ALL that happens with me and my life will come/ will be turned for good, because I am a beloved daughter of God. Because He loves me.
He does not save me out from the bad things because bad things happened to all of us in this world. He does not intervene to save me from the bad things but He TURNS the bad things to my advantage. He warns me about their approach, not to torture me and laugh about or take pleasure in my misery and fear, but to reassure me that He KNOWS and He is in control and that He is able to turn it around and He will, because He Loves me and I am His daughter.
Because He would love me to run to Him
and cry to Him
and receive comfort from Him
and reasurance that He knows,
He understands,
and He WILL turn this situation for my good. For me to learn, to gain, to grow. And even If I don’t see the “good” outcome I can still go to Him and trust because He is my father.”

• “Do you believe in that?” asked God.
• “I don’t know.” I replied. Walking on, I continued talking to God. ” I have never had a father. It makes sense. But I am not sure that my heart believes in it. I would assume that if my Father CAN change things or make them stop or give something I am asking for, that He WOULD!”
• “Do you give that to your kids?” He asked.
• “Yes!”
• “Always? Also when they must learn something they do not want to learn? Or when you are not letting Jacob (my son) get something he wants and he is screaming mad at you? Or when he is facing consequences of his actions and is hurting. Do you want him to come to you?”
• “Yes!”
• “Do you feel his pain?”
• “Yes!”
• “Do you want him to have what he wants, or do you want for him to learn even if he is hurting, while learning it? Would you just give in to him because you CAN or do you want him to learn the lesson to the end?”
• “I want him to learn. But… if I can, I would still want to give him what he is asking me for.”
• “I know 🙂 But I do too!”  We walked in silence for a while, then I heard a question: “Just for the sake of discussion. Would you now imagine how it would feel, how it would look if you KNEW you have a Father who does love you? A Father who understands you completely. A Father who wants you to go to him with your hurts and frustrations in trust that He loves you and accepts you where you are. Imagine that your Father is the almighty King and that you, as His daughter, do have all authority given by Him. That you are safe because all that is happening to you is controlled by Him. That He is right here with you! That you are walking with His cloak and aid and authority. How would that look ? 🙂 How would you walk and look around? How would you feel if you would believe in it and would TRUST in it?”

I breathed in deeper. My shoulders relaxed. I suddenly felt taller. I smiled. I imagined that cloak of His… sparkling, made from millions of tiny particles of shimmering droplets of water or diamonds. I could almost see that cloak descending on my shoulders. I felt beautiful and treasured. It is such a great, great feeling to feel beautiful and treasured and protected. I wanted to run and laugh and dance and be silly all at the same time. I felt peace and well being and I wondered what could I do if all of it would be real.

• “I want to heal my dog! If I have the authority and You said there is coming restoration to my family, I really want for Greta to be healed! You did give authority to Adam and Eve over the earth and living beings. So I want to proclaim life over Greta.”
• “Do it!” God said smilingly.
• “But what if she will not get well?” I will be disappointed again.  I was traying to aplay all the ideas from this walk. ” If all of this is real, but Greta does not get better does that mean that you have an even better plan for her and my faith and trust in you? What could that be?”
• “She will get well. I want you to learn the authority you have.”
• “I have the authority of the beloved daughter, is that what you are teaching me?  I don’t know what that means!”
• “I know you don’t,” smiled God.

I was walking and smiling and pondering on these awesome new ideas. I had the feeling of the sparkling new mantle covering my shoulders, extending behind me and over me. A cover and protection for a princess. New me. New me?

One more memory surfaced, I remembered a conversation where a person was teaching and  saying, “…Which self is talking? The new self or old self?”  “I am not interested in talking to the old you!” When I hear things like that, I feel so rejected. I can never measure up to that exalted great place of being that new me. I feel like the one desperately stuck in the pit of my old self. Whatever that meant. Depressive, fearful, whining, old me. ME. And to become new means to die. “DIE. I cannot die! I don’t want to die. I have struggled all my life to survive! To stay alive! And if you cannot accept me as I am, … then I am staying here in this pit of despair and depression and pain and fear alone. But ALIVE.”

I could all but feel God smiling and waiting on me to “get it.”   So… I pondered on,

• “So it is not about me dying?”
• “No.”
• “It is about knowing who I am and who You are? And believing in it? And trusting in it?
• “Yes”
• “I don’t know how. I am not sure I can.”
• “Yet.” He commented smilingly.

We walked on and I saw a scene of Him sitting with one scared and despairing me, in the huge and lonely muddy ditch.  I understood Him to say, “Just so you know, I love you even when you’re sitting in that pit of yours. I will never leave you. I just want you to see that I am there with you.” He continued, “You are not alone. So trust me. I am not disgusted or impatient or surprised over whatever emotions you have. where do you think hope comes from? Who makes you smile and encourages you to take one more step? Who arranges for that “stupid” song to play, the one that makes you sing along and switches your dark mood to a better one? From where does the joy come to you while you are stuck? I love you! And I very much want you to stay alive!”

“Oh, what a relief!” I smiled. “I don’t have to die. I have to believe. I have to trust. Can I? I have to know who He is and who I am.”

“And this year I want you to learn the authority you have,” commented God on my thoughts.

It is a rainy, grey day. I was walking with my dog who does not know the power and strength she possesses. I don’t know the authority I have. I was walking in hope. Smiling, basking in an imaginary world I let my self believe in, even if it is just for one 30-minute walk on the rainy day with my dog.

It is a raining day and God was walking with His daughter and her dog. Her shoulders were covered with a splendid mantel that is made of millions of shimmering white diamonds.