I am craving lemon custard pie with a big dollop of whipped cream, to the point that I can smell it and taste it melting in my mouth.

No, I’m not pregnant.  Isn’t that the question everyone wants to ask when you crave something weird?

We began this summer with a trip unlike any we had every taken before. A trip with two other families from church and a week long vacation to the beach… both firsts. Going into it, I was a little nervous. These are friends who I’m very familiar with, but I’m not fully comfortable in my own skin sometimes, much less letting others in that close to my daily life.

See growing up, the montra was “Conceal. Don’t feel. Don’t let them know”. So after hiding for so many years, God has had me on this journey of letting others in.  In fact, the year began with sharing all the nitty details of my story with a few close female friends. That was stretching. And now here I am with two other families. I felt some comfort from the Holy Spirit. A friend had given me a word about swinging on a white hammock eating watermelon. The Lord wanted to show me His goodness this summer. The place we stayed had a white hammock…

It was a fantastic week. Not only did we get along really well, but it gave us all freedom to have some alone time with our spouses and with God. Every morning like clockwork, the Holy Spirit nudged me to roll out of bed, slip on those studded flip flops (the ones they warn you not to wear at the beach in the water, because they attract sharks), and come watch the sunrise. He spoke so many wonderful things to me this week about His glory. He spoke to me about being ready to shine, about being like a bird who is one of the weakest of all creation, yet can fly to the highest heights, taking my fears and tossing them into the sea of His love.

On the last night of our time together, all the adults gathered on the musty screened in porch. We brought little lanterns out to provide some light. Each couple took the hot seat, while the others laid hands on them and prayed. As they got to me and my husband, one friend began to say, “Did someone burn a candle that has a lemon scent? I smell lemons, sweet lemons.” She started to giggle. “And I see a lemon custard pie.” Another friend said, ” I see a dollop of whipped cream, but I didn’t know what it meant.” So, as she prayed, the words began to flow about how I had had a lot of lemons thrown my way in my life, but my heavenly father was taking those lemons and making me a delicious lemon custard pie. Not only would I be able to enjoy the deliciousness of it, but when others get around me they would only see and taste of the goodness of that pie. Well, I just thought that was wonderful. Sweet lemon flavor is my favorite!

You see, I had been thrown a lot of lemons. From early childhood, I had experienced horrible abuse, and had hidden it all, until in my thirties when the book of my heart was opened.  Holy Spirit has faithfully, methodically been healing and mending my broken heart ever since. But I’ve not really seen the full freedom yet.

There have still been some really hard days. Some days I’ve wondered if it would be worth it all. Some days I have still felt like a dark cloud has sat on my soul, and anxiety has plagued me. But I know this now, my heavenly father really does love me, and He promises me that He will take all the pain, all the depression, all the crud, and he will make something deliciously, mouth-wateringly good out of it. I can trust Him, and His promises towards me. And I don’t have to be strong for that to happen. I can be as vulnerable and weak as a little bird that can be crushed in a hand. But in the hand of my heavenly father, I just lean into His breath and I can fly.

By the way, the last morning of our beach adventure, I got up with my husband for our final morning walk with our heavenly father. As we began our way back, I turned and looked up on a sand dune. There lay a slice of lemon.